we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
