I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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