i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
