I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
