Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
