I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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