That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
