just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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