My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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