Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
