A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
