you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
