I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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