so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
