Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
