I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize