I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize