I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
