Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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