Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
