If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
