I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
