the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
