my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm really busy with my period
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
