oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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