Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
