To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
