My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
