Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That accounts for only three of the penises
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
