Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
