If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
