well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
