it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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