The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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