i just had sex bonerless
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it glows. i had to have it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
