Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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