onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
