This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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