i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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