Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
