my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
