I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
