Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
