i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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