I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
