hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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