You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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