well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
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