If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
