Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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