i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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