Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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