Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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