how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I want to be your penis for a week.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
