Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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