He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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