Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
