I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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