just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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