I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
