Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
